the detour is the story

TRIPTIONARY

Moving through the world isn't always romantic. Here's our travel "dictionary" of whimsical phrases.

 

BOREDAUX (v.):

Yawning at the prospect of France, for no other reason than it excites everyone else. See also: Eiffelavoidance.

BOWELIPHILE (n.): 

He who talks endlessly about the effect of third-world travel on his bathroom use. 

CAROUSELOUSY (n.):

The swell of envy one feels when fellow passengers lunge into action to fetch their bags. 

CHECKMATE (n.): 

The travel mate who proves clutch when it comes time to pee, saving you from wheeling your giant suitcase into a narrow bathroom stall. 

THE CHOCOLATE-COVERED CRICKET (n.):

The things we do for lore.

CIAOBELLATERY (n.):

The enjoyment of catcalls in a foreign context that would royally piss you off back home. 

CINNABONOTONY (n.):

Ordering precisely the same greasy food or in-flight beverage every single time you travel. 

CLANTEXTINE (n.): 

The sneaky traveler who uses her phone one last time, at the risk of stewardess reprimand.

DISEMPOWERED (adj.):

Finding all the plugs are against you, upon arrival in a foreign land. 

DOCUFRISKING (v.):

Touching yourself repeatedly and somewhat freakishly to be sure both passport and wallet are still on your body. 

ECONOMY LAP DANCE (n.): 

The elaborate hip maneuvers made while climbing over a fellow passenger who is sound asleep and blocking the bathroom. 

FAKEOFF (n.): 

On-time boarding only to face runway purgatory.

THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT (n.):

Unpeelable produce you’re bound to crave as soon as the guidebook warns you not to eat it.

GLUTTINERARY (n.): 

A schedule that gives up on monuments and museums to focus on just two things: feasts, and slow walks between them. 

                          

                          

THE HOT SEAT (n.):

The empty plane seat adjacent to yours that you long for the beautiful person coming down the aisle to fill. 

JET LIFT (n.):

When crossing time zones weirdly works in your favor, enabling you to hoot with the owls, or finish your e-book. 

“KEVIN!” (n.):

The sudden in-flight realization that you left something totally crucial at home. 

KIMONOLUSION (n.):

Believing you will actually wear a banana leaf hat, sequined Kurta, or pink guayabera that goes straight into your Halloween trunk. 

KNIFENESIA (n.):

Forgetting you packed something in your carry-on bag that closely resembles a weapon. 

LAGERDRATION (n.):

The practical choice made in a sweltering place where bottled water costs as much as beer.

LEWDPAYMENT (n.):

An unwanted glimpse of the nether regions of a traveler who reaches into his secret underwear bank. See also: Dirty Pesos.

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SULK SABOTAGE (n.):

When your mid-trip mood swing decimates your ability to enjoy the very thing you’ve been looking forward to all trip. See also: Tourmudgeon.

SUAVENDOR (n.):

The guy who tries to both hit on you and fleece you at the same time.

STEAKFIB (n.):

Throwing vegetarianism to the wind because “it makes things easier.”

TOUTISTAN (n.):

A region where every male between the ages of 17 to 45 has gathered in the streets to sell stuff you’ll never buy.

TRIPPAUNCH (n.):

The result of a journey that ups your caloric intake so fast your body clumps all new fat directly around your belly.

WALK OF SHAME (n.):

Skulking into a Starbucks on the other side of the world.

ZOOGASBOARD (n.):

Eating so far off the beaten track that people drop by to find out what you ordered for dinner.

GRAZITUITY (n.):

Knowing only the word for “thank you” in a foreign language and chirping it 4,000 times a day. See also: mercicessivebonjourbastic

GEYSERGLOOM (n.):

The letdown one feels at a famous natural wonder when nothing wonderful naturally happens. 

THE HAIL MARY SIP (n.):

The choice to ingest or drink a local delicacy knowing there is a 50-50 chance you are about to give yourself diarrhea. 

THE HARRY-SALLY SCAN (n.):

The entree-scoping you do while being seated at a restaurant where you cannot read the menu, in order to point and say, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

HIDECESSIVE (adj.): 

Taking passport concealment to such an extreme that you can’t find your fucking passport.

HOAK-HOSTAGE (n.):

Realizing you are stuck on a tour with a corny guide—surrounded by people who find him hilarious. 

HULK SHOCK (n.):

The surprise one registers upon reentering the United States of America and noticing that its citizenry is gigantic. 

LOCABENDER (n.):

Binging on so many of the delicacies you can eat nowhere else that you never want to eat pork baoza or flor de calavasa ever again.

MCDOWNFALL (n.):

The low moment that follows weeks of daring eating, when the traveler seeks out the greasiest possible American food. See also: Pizzalapse.

MICHELANTEE (n.):

The wandering foodie who appoints himself scout of the best no-name, backalley, mom & pop restaurants on the planet.

“NO PRO-LEM.” (n.): 

The refrain of whoever is guiding, transporting, or handling you in a foreign land when shit hits the fan.

QUEUESASPERATED (adj.): 

When you cannot take, will not bear, actually tear up at the sight of another line.

SEUSS PRODUCE (n.):

Insane-looking fruits and Wonka-esque vegetables you will never describe, translate, or taste again.

SHAKING BABY DAY (n.):

The rock-bottom moment in a hot, frazzling, crowded place, when you realize you’re capable of harming someone innocent. See also: Frazeltantrum.

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